Sometimes I feel that when I write, no one hears me. When I talk, no one listens. When I am down, no one notices. But I think that all has to do with who I am. I'm... not terribly noticed. Though I get picked on (teased) by my Uncle, I just feel.. alone.. left out of things. Even on here, or back home where I want to be. At my new school, which is HUGE!, I'll never get noticed.. much... I'm a new kid. Everyone all ready has their... clicks. I'm just there... Now I wish I could drive... but I only have my permit.
I'm tired... mentally, physically, spiritually... what's wrong with me, Courage? Why am I so tired all the time? Why am I out of tune with God? I can't seem to get myself back to... anything. I never really was in-tune with God... I just want to be. I can never seem to achieve what others have. What they want, and got, I want, but seem to never get. Why do I feel like a complete loser in God's eyes? Why do I feel like a hypocryte every time I say something to someone about God? WHy do I feel like the urge to pray every time I feel some elses hurt? I think of the Higgins' family and losing their song. I think of Jeremy Camp and his lose of his first wife barely months after their wedding. I think of Mike and Cherry and how they lost their daughter. I try not to blame God for what happens, but it all seems so senseless. And all I do is tell myself in my head that God works for the good of those who love him... its his will. But how can it be his will when someone dies from a myserious disease no one could stop or figure out? WHen someone dies from cancer? When someone falls into the deep dark handles of drinking or smoking, all those bad things in the world? Why do I want to accuse God, even when I tell myself it is his will, we don't always understand it, and it's not God causing these problems. It the sin we brought into this world, by Adam and Eve. It's what Satan does. And God sits by, watching what happens to us. I don't understand about it. I'm just confused... I feel so out of tune and never being able to come back to him, or get to him, cause I don't think I've ever been to him in the first place. Am I just a hypocryte, or someone who will never be saved?
I'm just not so sure anymore... Danielle
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