In Depression, and falling further into the hole

I'm spiraling into depression. I know it, I admit it. And I can't get myself out!

I know this is happening for a reason. I can understand that. God is with me, even though I feel totally worthless, out of it, and no presence of God at all. I just feel worn out, annoyed, and not very worthy of myself. People don't seem to care, notice, what I'm going through. Sharayah just thinks it's BJ's book. Yeah, I want to see that happen. It's a good book, and yes, he dies, but does that matter? I've only gotten to page... 15 so far. In my second stint of reading it. I LOVE the prologue. I could read it over and over and over and over again. Just because.

I feel like I can't write, can't do anything, nothing at all. I'm not finishing my HW, I'm tired allllll the time, and I'm just... blah. Somehow, I need God's strength to keep me up on my feet till 10 o'clock when I go to bed.

I've entered three times into depression in the last two weeks. I go in, then I can pull myself out and feel great... and drop right back in because of someone or something I read. I know it's the devil, I just can't stop him! I'M HUMAN!!!!

I'm just... tired. And cranky. And wish someone would understand!

This is random, yeah. Not many people listen to me. Or read this for that matter. Garrett rarely. I wish I could talk with him.

I don't know. I wish I knew how to exit this and stand up on the hill, knowing God is there for me, and he's watching over me, and I'm safe. Not that I won't go through this again. I'M 15!!!!!! Hello! But, hopefully, God comes real soon, and I won't have to go through much. I just wish I was a better Christian. I wish I died daily to self, was a light for God, was his child and messenger. I WISH I COULD GO ON A MISISON TRIP! And I alwasy have to remind myself that I should be happy for those who do. I just wish I could go on one. It doesn't seem fair.

But as Brent wrote today on prayforbj.com, which was BJ's writings (THEY'RE IN THE BOOK! Someone, please, READ "I Would Die For You" by Brent and Deanna Higgins. You'll never be the same), daily christian dying, daily dying to ourselves and out wants. I just wish I could grasp that and know for sure what to do. I'm losing it, I'm 15, in 10th grade, AND I CAN'T GET UP!

Please pray for me, if you read this. I would appreciate it.

In Christ,

Marisol/Leslie