I'm spiraling into depression. I know it, I admit it. And I can't get myself out!
I know this is happening for a reason. I can understand that. God is with me, even though I feel totally worthless, out of it, and no presence of God at all. I just feel worn out, annoyed, and not very worthy of myself. People don't seem to care, notice, what I'm going through. Sharayah just thinks it's BJ's book. Yeah, I want to see that happen. It's a good book, and yes, he dies, but does that matter? I've only gotten to page... 15 so far. In my second stint of reading it. I LOVE the prologue. I could read it over and over and over and over again. Just because.
I feel like I can't write, can't do anything, nothing at all. I'm not finishing my HW, I'm tired allllll the time, and I'm just... blah. Somehow, I need God's strength to keep me up on my feet till 10 o'clock when I go to bed.
I've entered three times into depression in the last two weeks. I go in, then I can pull myself out and feel great... and drop right back in because of someone or something I read. I know it's the devil, I just can't stop him! I'M HUMAN!!!!
I'm just... tired. And cranky. And wish someone would understand!
This is random, yeah. Not many people listen to me. Or read this for that matter. Garrett rarely. I wish I could talk with him.
I don't know. I wish I knew how to exit this and stand up on the hill, knowing God is there for me, and he's watching over me, and I'm safe. Not that I won't go through this again. I'M 15!!!!!! Hello! But, hopefully, God comes real soon, and I won't have to go through much. I just wish I was a better Christian. I wish I died daily to self, was a light for God, was his child and messenger. I WISH I COULD GO ON A MISISON TRIP! And I alwasy have to remind myself that I should be happy for those who do. I just wish I could go on one. It doesn't seem fair.
But as Brent wrote today on prayforbj.com, which was BJ's writings (THEY'RE IN THE BOOK! Someone, please, READ "I Would Die For You" by Brent and Deanna Higgins. You'll never be the same), daily christian dying, daily dying to ourselves and out wants. I just wish I could grasp that and know for sure what to do. I'm losing it, I'm 15, in 10th grade, AND I CAN'T GET UP!
Please pray for me, if you read this. I would appreciate it.
In Christ,
Marisol/Leslie
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Friday, February 1, 2008
Pathfinders (finally!)
I wrote this in a letter to Ashley, a friend of mine. Not all of it, but most of it. I was talkng about pathfinders. I just feel something is wrong with the way the kids are taught. It's like no one likes me anymore after they become a pathfinder. Emily and Sara are rude to me, and I've KNOWN THEM MY WHOLE LIFE! Or, rather, THEIR WHOLE LIVES!
So, here goes:
Yeah, Johne isn't very nice. I wonder why Brittni likes her. I couldn't handle Johne, ever. I know her, a littel too much. And Mikki defends her. Come on, she doesn't know JOhne very well then.
Cool on the D.C thing. I have all my money all ready. I go at... the end of April. How about you? I get to go with Tracy, and all my friends. I can't wait. So much fun! My parents are also coming. Lots of money though. $950 for each of my family members. Me, my mom, and my dad. I wish my sister could go, but not going to happen. I collected cans for my D.C. trip, and do rootbeer floats, and little things like that.
Johne likes Tracy you think? Yeah, okay, I want to see her get him as her boyfriend. Ha! Nina can be a pain, yes. And I know someone else who likes Brandon, anyway. SOmeone in my 10th grade class.
So you are 7th graders... and you know everyone at pathfinders. Interesting. Emily, Sara, Ryan, Mikki, Brandon, Johne, Josh (right?), Nina, Tracy... and there might be others, like you, but I can't remember anyone else. Phillip will join soon, and TImothy is in it, just he's at UCA right now. I wish he hadn't gone so far. He's so cool!!!!!
Seems like you are having fun. Liking Pathfinders? I would never join... not for me. But it's okay. YOu can like it. And Phillip, and everyone else. I just think it distances you form the outside world. Emily and Sara won't talk with me anymore, Ryan is a little nicer, but weirder, Tim won't say much to me, unless we are with his family and my family together. I still remember that Christmas dinner... laughing hard. Mikki is trying to force me to become a pathfinder, and I jsut feel it pulling me in, when that's called peer pressure. I want to be friends with everyone there, jsut not to have to be a part of the club. I don't have the money anyway. I need the money for other things. BUt I guess I HAVE to be a part of the club to even have friends. I was scared for a second when Sharayah told me she was joining. But it never happened. Her mom said no. That made me SOOO happy. I can't afford to lose another friend. I have VERY few now. And... I don't know, I don't want to have to be a part of the crowd to have friends. It seems so.. stupid to me, to have to be a part of the crowd to have friends. It shouldn't be about what you do, or what you are in, or anything like that. It should be all about you.
I don't know, I'm confused. I'm tired too.
I'll talk later, k ? Tell everyone at school HI from me. Especially Brittni. She's ignoring me. I haven't seen her for two weeks, so that might be why. And don't get close to Johne. I know her... she can be damaging
I don't know anymore. I dont' want to end up back in depression. I just got out of that. Save me! I think I'm going to just hand it to God, and forget it, let him handle it. I don't need this. I know everyone likes me, it's just it doesn't seem like it anymore.
Here's my prayer for tonight:
Dear Jesus,
Please, let me forget what others do to me, like not talking with me, or ignoring me, jsut because they want to follow you in Pathfinders. I may not like Pathfinders, but you are helping everyone, through whatever means. Help me not to fall into peer pressure and do something I may regret and not want. I want what you want for me. I love you, and you are my God. In your name, Jesus Christ, Amen.
Write when my mom isn't bothering me about the internet.
In Christ,
Leslie
So, here goes:
Yeah, Johne isn't very nice. I wonder why Brittni likes her. I couldn't handle Johne, ever. I know her, a littel too much. And Mikki defends her. Come on, she doesn't know JOhne very well then.
Cool on the D.C thing. I have all my money all ready. I go at... the end of April. How about you? I get to go with Tracy, and all my friends. I can't wait. So much fun! My parents are also coming. Lots of money though. $950 for each of my family members. Me, my mom, and my dad. I wish my sister could go, but not going to happen. I collected cans for my D.C. trip, and do rootbeer floats, and little things like that.
Johne likes Tracy you think? Yeah, okay, I want to see her get him as her boyfriend. Ha! Nina can be a pain, yes. And I know someone else who likes Brandon, anyway. SOmeone in my 10th grade class.
So you are 7th graders... and you know everyone at pathfinders. Interesting. Emily, Sara, Ryan, Mikki, Brandon, Johne, Josh (right?), Nina, Tracy... and there might be others, like you, but I can't remember anyone else. Phillip will join soon, and TImothy is in it, just he's at UCA right now. I wish he hadn't gone so far. He's so cool!!!!!
Seems like you are having fun. Liking Pathfinders? I would never join... not for me. But it's okay. YOu can like it. And Phillip, and everyone else. I just think it distances you form the outside world. Emily and Sara won't talk with me anymore, Ryan is a little nicer, but weirder, Tim won't say much to me, unless we are with his family and my family together. I still remember that Christmas dinner... laughing hard. Mikki is trying to force me to become a pathfinder, and I jsut feel it pulling me in, when that's called peer pressure. I want to be friends with everyone there, jsut not to have to be a part of the club. I don't have the money anyway. I need the money for other things. BUt I guess I HAVE to be a part of the club to even have friends. I was scared for a second when Sharayah told me she was joining. But it never happened. Her mom said no. That made me SOOO happy. I can't afford to lose another friend. I have VERY few now. And... I don't know, I don't want to have to be a part of the crowd to have friends. It seems so.. stupid to me, to have to be a part of the crowd to have friends. It shouldn't be about what you do, or what you are in, or anything like that. It should be all about you.
I don't know, I'm confused. I'm tired too.
I'll talk later, k ? Tell everyone at school HI from me. Especially Brittni. She's ignoring me. I haven't seen her for two weeks, so that might be why. And don't get close to Johne. I know her... she can be damaging
I don't know anymore. I dont' want to end up back in depression. I just got out of that. Save me! I think I'm going to just hand it to God, and forget it, let him handle it. I don't need this. I know everyone likes me, it's just it doesn't seem like it anymore.
Here's my prayer for tonight:
Dear Jesus,
Please, let me forget what others do to me, like not talking with me, or ignoring me, jsut because they want to follow you in Pathfinders. I may not like Pathfinders, but you are helping everyone, through whatever means. Help me not to fall into peer pressure and do something I may regret and not want. I want what you want for me. I love you, and you are my God. In your name, Jesus Christ, Amen.
Write when my mom isn't bothering me about the internet.
In Christ,
Leslie
Really, really tired, and Pathfinders on my mind
I'm soooo tired. School is getting to me. I can't get my HW done, I'm slacking on EVERYTHING, I'm screwing up A LOT in Geometry, and a test is on Tuesday. Thank goodness it's Friday.
I was talking to Ashley, a friend of mine, and she's in Pathfinders. I don't like Pathfinders because my sister was in the club, and they leader called EVERYONE immature. I don't think that was right, under the circumstances. My sister quiet. I don't need to be called immature. It will just bring down my moral state again, and that doesn't seem fair.
I'll explain more later. I have to go. My dad is kicking me off and out of his office. Great... I'll go more into detail about Johne and Pathfinders. What fun!
In Christ,
Leslie
I was talking to Ashley, a friend of mine, and she's in Pathfinders. I don't like Pathfinders because my sister was in the club, and they leader called EVERYONE immature. I don't think that was right, under the circumstances. My sister quiet. I don't need to be called immature. It will just bring down my moral state again, and that doesn't seem fair.
I'll explain more later. I have to go. My dad is kicking me off and out of his office. Great... I'll go more into detail about Johne and Pathfinders. What fun!
In Christ,
Leslie
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